True Story: Chocolate chip addiction

What if “Think Small” was the new “Think Big”?

(This is my little girl – she’s an expert at thinking big and taking small steps to reach her goal – in this case, the park!)

I know that you’ve been told a lot to “think big” “dream big” “go big”, in fact I’ve probably said some of those things, but what I’m wondering right now is if “Think Small” might  be the new “Think Big”.

I’m wondering this because the more women I talk to the more I hear the phrase “I feel like I’m not doing enough” or “I just can’t seem to do enough”. Now I think this might be the little sister of the more personal “I’m not enough” syndrome but it can be as equally insidious and has similar symptoms.  Symptoms can include anxiety, stress, sleeplessness, moodiness, crying, chronic exhaustion, snapping and feeling like you just can’t handle everything you’ve got going on in your life anymore without exploding or imploding.

What happens when expectations and reality collide?

I know this one well! In fact in May of last year this hit me hard. I was a full time stay-at-home/work-at-home mom with very little external support and I had BIG expectations of myself. For some reason I thought it was reasonable to think I could be this amazing mom, super successful business owner, athlete, wife, etc. and do everything to a super high standard and when I failed or felt like I wasn’t getting there fast enough or doing things good enough I let that get to me.

I was feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and there was all of this pressure. Needless to say, my melt down wasn’t pretty but it was necessary as it forced me to get very clear on my priorities. And I was able to remember that I get to decide how I want to live my life.

I also came to the realization that what I used to be able to accomplish in a day or a week now takes me a week or a month. No wonder I felt so much pressure – I was totally setting myself up to fail because my expectations didn’t match the reality of my life and hadn’t even realized it.

I’m curioius….Have you ever done this?

Have you ever heaped SOOO much onto your plate stuff is literally falling of the sides. You’re forgetting things, not sleeping enough, missing your opportunity to exercise because you have so many deadlines (often self-imposed deadlines) and simply feel like you’re not enjoying things?

Well it’s time to kick that behavior to the curb!

What if less really is more.

It is your responsibility to set your own life up for success. You have complete control of this and the key is to realize that no matter how amazing or talented or brilliant or ambitious or high achieving or goal oriented you are – you are simply one person. And you are probably wearing  a lot of different hats.   So, if you’ve been inflicted by the “I’m not doing enough syndrome” I want you to do the following:

1) Write down every single thing you’ve done in the past 7 days. Everything. I want you to be specific. If you’ve gone grocery shopping, done the laundry, prepped meals for kids, chauffeured to playdates or preschool, done activities to build your business, worked, exercised, hung out with your partner, slept, nursed…write it all down (if you don’t know exactly to the minute, that’s ok, just estimate it).

2) Add up how much time all of this took.

3) Now write down all of the things you wanted to get done but didn’t for whatever reason.

4) Now write down this number – 168. That’s how many hours there are in a week. Take a look at the number you wrote down for #2.

5) Look at everything you did and how long it took you…is it starting to make sense why things are falling off your plate? There simply aren’t enough hours in the day/week/month to meet the expectations you place on yourself.

You have to align the expectations you have of yourself with your reality. And that means setting realistic and achievable goals.

• This can start with “Thinking Small” instead of “Thinking Big” – maybe instead of aiming to make 6-figures off your first launch (think big) you aim to learn as much as you can this first time around and shoot for $5-10 000 (think small)
• Maybe instead of working like a dog every single available minute of the day in order to ________ (fill in the blank) you see how many times you can make your kids belly laugh today
• How about instead of trying to lose 30 pounds by Christmas you aim for making healthier choices on a consistent basis and feeling grateful about the body you have and all of the amazing things it does for you

Do you get the idea?

I think dreaming big and holding a big vision for your life is awesome and important but not when it creates so much pressure on you today that you lose the ability to enjoy the moments. So, continue to dream big and think big and all of that good stuff but allow yourself to take small steps to get there. It will make the journey 100 million times more fun. And of course I think, the way we reach our dreams matters.

Drop down into the comments below and let me know what you might be willing to “think small” about!

Sometimes You Just Need to Say “YES!”

Butterflies

I’m sitting here writing this with butterflies swirling around in my stomach. I’ve just said “YES” to something I don’t know how I’m going to do it…AND I’m so excited!

For a while now I’ve had a nagging feeling that I’ve needed to step up my game, do more, have a goal and yet part of me has resisted it.

I was telling myself that I needed time/space to just “be” and grow my business and be a mom and do all of this stuff which I love and yet I just wasn’t feeling like “me” – do you ever feel that way?

All weekend I was kinda moody, distracted, and had wandering thoughts. You see it was Ironman Canada weekend and I had originally planned on being in Penticton to cheer on the people I know doing it but life had other plans for me (sick kids, cold, back to work for my husband and so on). So I didn’t go.

I’ve been talking with a few of my friends and colleagues about my desire to do Ironman Canada again.  That’s me in the picture above. It was taken as I crossed the finish line of IMC in 2005.  Since then I’ve gotten married, had two kids, moved three times, completed a massive home renovation, and started my own business. It feels like that moment was a life time ago.

Anyways, I’ve been talking about signing up for Ironman again but honestly I just didn’t know how I could do it – it requires SO much training (for anyone who doesn’t know an Ironman consists of a 4km swim, 180km bike ride and 42.2km run) and with two little kids, a business to nurture, a home to look after and not a lot of help (no family/nanny/driver/chef etc.) I sometimes feel tapped as it is.

So it was interesting at how annoyed I felt about not being there – somewhere in the back of my mind I think I knew I wanted to sign up and by not going it meant that I’d be putting off this goal for another year.

And then I got an email from a client who said she’d just registered online which usually is never an option as IMC sells out the day after race day and you typically have to be there in person to register. So I quickly went and checked to see if registrations were still being accepted. They were. My heart beat quickened, my excitement grew and I’m sure my eyes dilated as I talked to Mat about what it would mean for our family if I made this commitment to myself. And then I registered.

I am officially signed up to compete in Ironman Canada 2011!!!!!

I’m nervous, scared, excited, and feel totally alive right now.  And here’s what I know – sometimes you have to say “YES” to the things in life that light you up even when they seem impossible to do.  So often we say things like:
“No” or
“Later” or
“Next year” or

“Maybe” or

“Not now” or

“I’m not ready yet” or

“I’ll think about it” or…you get the idea.

And when this happens, when we chose to play it safe or keep small we squelch something amazing that we could experience. When we decide to not make a commitment to something we miss out on fully experiencing our life. And sometimes when we feel pulled we’ll try to be logical and rational and figure out the “how’s”:

• “How am I going to do this?”

• “How am I going to fit this in?”

• “How will I find the time”

And when our brain is desperately trying to process the answers but they’re not coming up quick enough we’ll immediately jump to the “What ifs…”

• What if I can’t do this?

• What if I fail?

• What if I can’t find child care?

• What if I quit?

• What if I get injured?

• What if I look stupid?

As you can imagine these two streams of thought are enough to stop you from doing anything. No brain can fight this and that saboteur voice in your head knows this and that’s how he/she gets you to stay small and play it safe.

So forget about the “how’s” and “what ifs” and start paying attention to your feelings – if you’ve been thinking about doing something for a while and you’ve been letting your thoughts stop you simply commit. It’s the first step.  After that, everything falls into place.

If you do decide to go for something that you’ve been longing to do – let me know! I’d love to hear what it is – just drop down into the comments section below.

Here’s to saying “yes” even when you feel like saying “no”!

A Reminder…

On our last trip to BC I had the chance to go back to a place that holds a very special place in my heart – “the rap base”. It was the place I called home for six summers while fire fighting. I took my son there to see the helicopters as that’s one of his greatest loves right now.

As we were wondering around and checking out what was new and what was the same I came across a new cement stairway that had been poured. On the right hand side of each step was etched one of the above words so that as you walked up the stairs you couldn’t help but read :

“Strength does not come from physical capacity it comes from an indomitable will.”

Simple. Beautiful. Truth.

STRENGTH.

Chances are those words would have meant something very different to me at 25 than they do to me now at 35.  Then it would have definitely been about my physical self – the ability to work long and demanding days, the ability to push myself even when completely worn out.

STRENGTH. INDOMITABLE WILL.

Now? Well, it’s much more about the art of living a full life. A life with kids, a husband, a career and staying true to my own self and my own goals. Having my own goals seemed so much easier then with so much less responsibility and demands for my time.

I can still find myself completely worn out on some days but it seems like it’s so much more a mental/emotional fatigue rather than physical.  Sometimes it’s the weight of the never-ending to-do list, or laundry, or dishes that needs to be looked after that can feel draining which is why now more than ever, it’s so important for me to be committed to doing the things that make me feel like me.

This is where the “indomitable will” will piece comes in…for sure there are nights I’d rather watch re-runs of Sex in the City than go to the gym but I am committed to being the best version of me which means I need to do the things that support that goal.  Exercise is just one example but I find that I’m often digging deep to find the strength to be the kind of mom I want to be, the kind of entrepreneur I want to be, the wife I want to be – honestly, there are definitely times when it would just be easier to quit, to say “no” and to shut down.

But that would be saying NO to the experience of my life and that’s not what I’m about. I choose to have an indomitable will regarding the things that matter most.

Let me ask you – what are you going to choose to have an indomitable will for?

When Commitment Feels Scary

The Ultimate Sign

I was out for my long run today and was going about my thing…running…and saw this. It stopped me in my tracks and I had to catch my breath – it wasn’t just that I was breathing hard from exertion, it was like a SIGN had been put right on my running path intended only for me to see. And here’s exactly what ran through my mind as I read each line…

Commit

“No. I’m scared. I don’t know how.”

Commit

“No. Forget it. It doesn’t matter what I think. It’s too hard. People will think it’s stupid”

Commit

“I can’t. I’m still confused. I don’t know how to best say it. It’s jumbled up. I’m not ready yet”

Commit

“I want to. I do. But…I just feel full of ‘I don’t knows…’”

Commit

“I know. I know. I know. I know I’m selling out if I don’t. I know I’m playing small if I don’t. I know it’s what I need to do. How? How do I do this? How do I start?”

Commit

“I want to. I get a knot in my stomach. I feel nervous. I feel anxious. I feel emotional thinking about it. I get stuck in the ‘what ifs…’ too. What if people laugh? What if no one cares? What if I’m wrong? What if this doesn’t help anyone? What if..?

Commit

“Ok. Ok. Ok-enough!!! I’m willing. I’m ready. I mean not really “ready” but as ready as I think I’ll ever be. Ok. I’ll start. I promise. I commit. Please help me!”

There was a lot more than that but those are the essential pieces. You see, I’ve kinda been holding out…I’ve got some BIG stuff that I want to share and talk about and yet I’ve been unwilling to commit. I’ve been holding out on myself and you. And as much as I work with my clients every day around quieting their inner critic(s) mine have been having a field day.

This really should be my clue that I’m getting close to something big.

And you see, I’ve wanted to talk about this, what I’m feeling, what’s really going on for me but I’ve also felt like a hypocrite – I mean I’m a Coach, I should know better, I shouldn’t have saboteur thoughts and so on and so forth. But I do, and I’m working on them with my own Coach.

I also happen to have incredible friends who are also Coaches and they’re not letting me hide out. They’re calling me on my stuff…daily. Thank you, by the way – your acknowledgement and championing of me that has meant more than you know.

I commit.

This post is my first step.

And now I want to ask you, what have you wanted to commit to but haven’t for whatever reason?

• Maybe you’ve had one foot in and one foot out of your relationship because that just seems easier, you can’t get as hurt that way…or

• Maybe you’ve promised to take better care of yourself yet you don’t …or

• Maybe you’ve wanted to change your career because the one you’re in now is wounding your soul but you feel stuck because of the money and change just seems so hard…you get the idea.

I’ve been asking myself some pretty hard questions in order to help me move forward. Let me ask you too:

1. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you took that first step?
2. What are you modeling for your kids?
3. What advice would you give your daughter if she was where you are now?
4. What are you getting from staying stuck? Think about this…it must be something or you would have done something.
5. How is fear holding you back? Write down what you’re afraid of – you’ll see it’s not so bad once it’s out of your mind and on paper.

Noticing the crap that you tell yourself and the sneaky way you can make it sound even logical (it’s safer this way, not ready yet, not experienced enough, don’t have enough time, etc.)  is the beginning of being able to move forward.

This is the beginning of a new phase for me. I’d love to share the ride – if you’ve been holding out, afraid of committing to something you know is deeply important to you, then drop down into the comments section below and let me know I’ve got company.

When The Pressure Creeps In, The Joy Seeps Out

Here’s a little story for you:

Marcy loves to run. She’s been running for years and does it for the health benefits and plus the fact being out in nature just makes her feel good. She feels free when she runs. It’s her “me” time and is a hugely satisfying part of her life.

Marcy went for a run with a friend one day who suggested that she enter the upcoming local 10km race. Marcy thought that sounded fun so she ded. Much to her surprise she won her age category and is the third female finisher overall. Her friends and family can’t stop congratulating Marcy on her amazing run and as encouragement they suggest she should get “serious” about running…you know, really try.

Marcy, thrilled by the feelings of success she’s experiencing decides that she’s going to up her game and get serious.

Fast Forward One Year:

Marcy has completed numerous races and has done very, very well but isn’t satisfied with her results. She wants to be faster. She wants to win. She wants to be the best. She looks around at what the other runners are doing trying to figure out what they eat, when they train, how they train, and so forth. She knows she’s putting pressure on herself but she also knows she’s capable of so much more. So, she works harder, trains harder.

Fast forward another year

Marcy is miserable. She’s sick a lot. Her relationships feel stressful lately. And, she now hates running. What used to bring her such joy now feels like a burden. When she knows she needs to go for a run she avoids it, procrastinates, tries to make herself busy with other things so she doesn’t “have” to go. In the end she goes for a run but it doesn’t feel fun anymore.

Last fast forward

It’s a year later and Marcy has quit running. She’s moderately depressed and wondering why she didn’t succeed? She can’t seem to see how amazing her results actually were. In no time she went from being a recreational runner to a highly competitive athlete who was winning all sorts of races. Instead of feeling dejected, Marcy could feel proud of her achievements but because of the pressure she put on herself and the goals that she set all she sees is what she didn’t do/achieve/accomplish.

Has this ever happened to you?

Think about it. Think about your relationship, your business, your parenting, your own personal goals. Have you ever stopped and wondered if the pressure you’re putting on yourself is reasonable? Don’t get me wrong…I’m all for having BIG goals but I’m also all about having  a solid plan for going after those goals.

But when the goal becomes to have more, be more, get more, achieve more, the reasons that we’re doing our thing in the first place can get lost becuase we’re now focusing on the whole faster, further, smarter thing.  We start to create expectations for our self and start to focus on the outcome way more than the process, the journey of getting there.

And we put pressure on ourselves in all sorts of ways:

• Time pressure
• Money pressure
• Appearance pressure
• Status pressure
• Perfection pressure
• Keeping up with the Jones’ pressure (who are the Jones’ anyways?)
• Peer pressure

Here’s another little story:

I registered for Ironman Canada without knowing how to do front crawl (properly). Now if the race had only been two months away I can’t even imagine the pressure I would have put on myself to learn how to swim and be fast and master a stroke that I’d never spent much time learning.

But it wasn’t two months away, it was a year away. And I took a swim class. And then another set of swim classese. And I had a coach.

And I had little goals that I set for myself so that I wasn’t constantly thinking “Holy shit, I have to swim 4 km (2.4 miles).” I also didn’t pay a lot of attention to the faster swimmers. I focused on my own progress. Some of them had been swimming for years so of course they were faster than me, and yes, they looked a  lot “prettier” swimming in the water than I did.

But you know what? I did it. And I learned a whole lot about how to swim and how to get fast at the same time. And most importantly, I loved every minute of my journey.

When you notice that the joy has seeped out of something that you used to love to do, it’s time for a check in with yourself.

Ask:

• Are my goals reasonable?
• Have I somehow convinced my self that my worth is dependent on the outcome I achieve?
• What are the expectations I have of myself?
• What assumptions am I making?
• Do I need to adjust anything here to help keep this goal fun & enjoyable?
• Can I turn the “pressure” down at all? If so, how?

Not sure how? Here are a few suggestions to decrease the pressure:

• adjust your goal
• adjust your expectations
• check in with whatever assumptions you have and find out if they’re valid
• create a plan, have bite sized goals instead of one big lofty one
• stay curious about the outcome instead of attached to it

Because here’s what I know: When the pressure creeps in, the joy seeps out. And that’s just not a fun way to go after the things that we want in life.

Please drop down into the comments section and let me know if you get what I mean about “pressure” – would love to know if anyone else feels this way sometimes.

Jen

What Defines You?

What Defines You?

I’m a mom to two young children (an almost 3 yr old and a 9 mo), I’m also a wife and an entrepreneur. I’m sure I could find 10 other “titles” or “roles” to define me but that’s the thing – they’re just labels.

I am more than my “roles”. I am more than my “titles”.

I believe that our whole self is greater than the sum of our parts of self (labels, titles) yet when we become mothers, whether it’s consciously or not, we tend to give up, abandon, sacrifice, lose, put on hold – choose whatever word you want, parts of our self.

We stop thinking about our own personal goals and dreams, we stop doing things for ourselves, and we stop paying attention.

It may not happen right away and we may not even care at first.

But here’s the thing – when you ignore pieces of your self that fundamentally make you feel like “you” your whole self starts to shrink and whither. And eventually if feels like you’re a shell of the woman that you were before you had kids.

I noticed this for myself after my second child was born. I’d have a window of time I could go and do something just for me like head to the gym, or go for a run and I found myself saying crazy things like, “Oh, yeah, I guess I could go but I need to get the laundry done” (or the floor washed, or make dinner or whatever other weird thing came out of my mouth). And I could feel myself starting to slip away a little bit – NOT COOL.

So, I made some changes. I signed up for my first half marathon since having kids and created a training program. Guess what – I’m running all the time now. I’ve said “no” to a few things so I could say “yes” to doing something for me.

Has anybody else out there felt this way? Is there any particular “role” in your life that feels consuming for you? Which one? What could you say “no” to in order to create some space in your life for you? Please leave me a comment below – I’d love to get this conversation started!

Are You Enough?

Is there an area of your life that isn’t quite up to par in your books? Perhaps your relationship, career, and family are awesome but your not happy with how you look or feel these days. Or maybe you’re rocking the gym feeling fit and looking hot, you’re on the fast track in your career but dammit, you’re still single despite going on a million dates. Or maybe you’re with the love of your life, have great kids but you just can’t find a career you’re passionate about.

Why does this happen?  How can you be so accomplished in so many other areas of your life but have one that is your Achilles heel? No matter what you do you stay stuck, feel frustrated and wonder what’s wrong with you.

We all have different areas of our life that will bring up “our stuff”. And by “stuff” I mean our feelings of worth, confidence, and competence; our feelings around success and failure; our relationships with people, money and our self.

We’ll question whether we’re good enough, smart enough, committed enough, strong enough, determined enough, pretty enough, or fit enough – and sometimes, despite amazing evidence in our life, we’ll believe that voice in our head that says “No, you’re not enough.”

And it’s a powerful voice; it’s strong enough to stop you in your tracks. It can make you do crazy things like stop chasing your dreams or pursuing your own goals. You start living your life by default comforted by your routine of the known.  If this is you, I have a quote for you:

“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.” ~ Alan Cohen

So, what if I said to you, “You are enough.”

What if I said, “You are right where you are meant to be, this is how you’re supposed to learn, this is how you grow” would anything change for you?  Would you be able to surrender to the experience and immerse yourself in the lessons? Would you be able to shift your own voice from “I can’t, I won’t” to “I can and I will”?

That’s what I’m doing. I’m focusing on my Achilles heel. I’m ready. Are you?

** Thanks to Pam Slim for inspiring this post. Pam was a presenter at Andrea J Lee’s “Wealthy Thought Leader” conference and in her presentation she told us that “we are enough.” I believe her.

Who Are You Now That You’re a Mom?

Do You Ever Wonder Who You Are Now That You’re a Mom?

You probably had a pretty good grasp of who you were as a human being prior to having children. You were used to thinking about your self as part of a couple or as a career person or an artist or athlete. And then you went and had a baby (or two, or three)…and everything changed.

You became a mom and your role in the world and your self-image shifted. All of a sudden that identity that felt so solid is gone and now you feel like this “mom” role is all consuming. You’re trying to rethink your identity and wondering if there is still a “me” in there and you wonder, “Who is that “me” now? “Who am I now that I’m a mother?” Some days you may even feel like there is no room for you.

Having kids profoundly changes your life. You love your little one(s) more than anything. But sometimes you just can’t shake the feeling that somehow along the way in this motherhood journey you’ve lost a piece of your self. And, it’s taking a toll. You’re a bit more irritable than you used to be, you don’t laugh as much anymore, life just doesn’t feel as fun as it used to….

You may often feel isolated in your experience as a mom and yearn for community, connectedness, and to feel good at doing something again. You want to feel a sense of competence outside of motherhood.

That’s what this blog is going to be talking about. It’s about the titles we carry; our hopes, wishes and dreams; what it means to be a mom in our society; how we’re redefining our identity; our choices and decisions; how we need to push ourselves to live fully and experience life now, today – not someday. It’s about our joy and frustrations; our parenting and our relationships; our selflessness and our selfishness; our fatigue and our energy.

The women before us apparently paved the way and this has caused us to expect that we’d be able to have it all – great career, fabulous relationship, 2.2 kids, and it would all be accomplished with ease. Yet many of us feel frustrated.

If this speaks to you at all, on any level, please leave me a comment

Have You Claimed Your Space?

I just came back from a conference in Vancouver and on the evening of the first night during a soiree I had the opportunity to meet Mark Silver. We were having a conversation and he said something that sent chills down my spine. You’d think I’d have these words branded on my brain but I don’t, all I remember is the feeling. It was like I’d been struck by a lightning bolt.

What was this magical sentence?

He said something to the effect of “Claim your space –the world has space for you. You’re allowed to claim your space.”

Now what’s amazing about this is I have a girlfriend who’s been saying the exact same thing to me for years so what’s the difference? Why did that sentence have such an impact on me this time?

Well, I’m ready. I’m ready to claim my space. I’m ready to take a stand. I’m ready to write and share and talk and learn. I’m ready to start the conversation. My hope is that you’ll join me.

I’ve been a blog “lurker” for years now. Always reading but very rarely commenting. To comment just felt so *scary*. What if I offend someone? What if someone thinks my comment is stupid? What if I write something and it sounds dumb? What if… What if…What if….?

So, I’m inviting you to share your thoughts with me. It’s safe here. I promise. If you disagree with something I write, talk to me – tell me what you think. Have a different point of view? Fantastic – comment, I want to know what your thoughts are.
I want you to claim your space too.

So, here are a few questions for you:

• Have you claimed your space in the world?
• If yes, what was hard about doing it? If no, what’s holding you back?

Please comment below, I’d love to get this conversation started.